It’s been a long time since I have felt the fire to write. Oh, I’ve made notes and played with the odd scene here and there. But to actually want to sit at the computer and write…it’s been a long time. Two things have helped to reignite that spark.
One is a meme I came across on Facebook. It said, “Don’t cling to your mistakes just because you spent a lot of time making them.” While the nagging doubts and crippling anxiety were nurtured when I was a child, I can’t allow myself to use them as an excuse not to do what makes me happy. Yes, my mother taught me to doubt myself, to hesitate instead of taking the chance. But life has taught me that I can take control of my destiny. I can create the future I want. As long as I don’t get in my own way. That’s where the “clinging to mistakes” comes in. It is my mistake to allow myself to wallow in self-doubt and self-pity. I have to forgive myself for getting into that habit and break out of that cycle.
The second thing is a post a friend of mine shared. The original author was posting about binge writing. He said it was not that he didn’t want to write, but the words didn’t flow for him except in bursts that hit at random times. He would spend every waking hour thinking about writing and stories and characters but he would only binge write when the Muse struck him. I understand this binge writing he talked about. It’s how I have written most of my life. I think my binge writing comes from anxiety. I have to work really hard to break through the doubts and worry to get to that free space that feeds the flame.
These two things together have helped burn off the fog for me. Why do I have to be afraid to write? Why do I have to be afraid to submit a story? Because I was never taught to have self-confidence? Because someone else instilled their anxieties into me? Why can’t I act like the strong independent woman I try to project?
I am strong. I am confident in my abilities to write a compelling story. I have the power to silence the voices that tell me I can’t do it. Those voices lie. Those voices don’t know the real me. They don’t know what I’m capable of. They only know fear and shame. I will not listen to those voices anymore. Do you hear me? I WILL NOT LISTEN TO THOSE VOICES ANYMORE!
I spent the morning going through some writing stuff I’ve been hoarding. I have no less than 12 story ideas in every stage from concept notes to a finished story needing rewrites. I’m getting all my shit in a pile. I’m going to start finishing these stories. I am going to submit them. I am going to write more stories. I will prove to myself that I am the confident woman I know I am deep inside. But I do ask you to do me a favor. If you see me falling back into that negative cesspool of doubt, remind me to hold my head up and get back to writing.
You can find John Ringo’s post about his writing process Here.
This is the article on High-functioning Anxiety.