Sifting through the ashes

Most of us have had some experience with loss. Fires, tornadoes and hurricanes, deaths of loved ones, deaths of relationships. Loss comes in many forms. Sometimes the healing is fairly quick. But some wounds are deceptive in how deep they really go. You may think you’re over it, but then something new happens and you realize that there are some lingering issues. What do you do?

I’ve realized over the last few days that I have some leftover damage from a past relationship. So what am I doing? Sifting through the ashes of the past and looking at what’s happening and what I feel about it. Here’s the truth of it: the other person in my life now is not doing anything different now than he was when we started this whole thing almost a year ago; his behavior is consistent. I’m the one having issues. I’m the one having doubts and second guessing myself.

the_phoenix_rise_by_amorphisss-d34q7w8Wait….did I say “I” was second guessing “myself?” Yes, I did and that’s an important distinction. I recognized a few days ago that the problem is that I’m afraid. It’s truly not anything the other person is doing. I’ve struggled for a long time with fear of failure/success. It applies to relationships, too. I’m just now realizing how much it applies. I’m afraid of making a mistake, afraid of losing someone that’s important to me, afraid to trust him because of the behavior of someone who is long gone from my life. That’s not fair to me or to him.

Okay, so what do I do now that I’ve dug through the ashes and gotten my hands all dirty? Wash away all the residue of the past. Let go of the emotional baggage that’s weighing me down and just enjoy myself and this relationship for what it is. It’s not easy, but it’s worth the effort.

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